quick reads, a short a day

Alice stared out the window. Why did no one come. All her life she had sat with the dying, taken food and visited the shut ins, yet no one came to her. Not even her children. Moving gingerly with aid from a cane, she went to the kitchen. She had hoped someone would stop by so she had baked a cake yesterday. No one came. She called a friend who never turned down food to let him know a cake was made but he had not come. "Oh well, she said."I'll get a piece of cake and coffee. I may as well enjoy my work since its a struggle now to bake."

Taking her treats, she carefully balanced herself and slowly moved towards her den. She would watch a movie if a good one was on. If not there was a stack of books by her chair begging to be read. Flicking on the TV, she clicked through the channels as quickly as her fingers would allow. Nothing was catching he interest. She picked up a book scanned it, put it down for another one. No, she didn't want to read. She wanted to talk to someone. "That's the problem with living alone," she said. "No one to talk to." of course she talked to her cat but the conversation was one sided and not very fulfilling. "If only someone would come." But nobody did. Not even her children. That was wrong considering how much she had done for them.

When Alice was young, she sat by the bedside of every person who was dying. She had no nurses training, She just believed she was called by God to be involved in the lives f the dying. She felt being at the bedside of someone more important than getting her children to and from school, watching them in a game, or seeing them perform. Her children's education and interest needed to take a backseat to everyone else who was dying.

Alice also fixed food for those in need.Not only did she take food to the homes of the dying but to the sick and elderly as well.If she had time she would cook for her family but if not well Hardee's or Pizza Hut would have to suffice. She couldn't understand why no one brought her food now. Not even her children. "After all the food I've taken to others and all the meals I cooked for the kids why can't they bring me anything." she thought.

Alice sipped her coffee and nibbled her cake. She pondered her life. How come after all the years she spent waiting on others and taking care of their needs no one came to take care of her? She never got paid to sit with the dying or take care of their families. It wasn't her job. It was her calling. There should have been some body to take care of her for free. Didn't young people know you were supposed to do these things for free? They needed to wait upon the elderly not expect to be paid for it. Alice at 75 was not exactly elderly by today's standards but she was sickly. Some young person should know that and see to her needs.She lamented not being able to guilt her children into giving up their lives for her care.She couldn't even guilt the family members of the dying people she had sat with into helping her now.After all she had done for others, no one did for her now. She pouted herself into a state of self pity."Not even my children care enough to spend everyday taking car of me. The blanket of self righteous acts she wrapped hereof in never allowed her to wonder why this would be. Had she bothered to ask her children they could have told her but she didn't and so they never told her how they felt. If she had allowed her blanket to slip she would have seen for herself. "It's not fair God. I've been a servant to everyone. Where is my servant now that I need one?" Alice cried out bitterly, "Where are the members of all those families that I took care of. They should be here doing for me. Do unto others. I did and it hasn't done me any good."

Sitting in her chair, she looked out the window. The sunlight temporarily blinded her. When her eyes adjusted, she saw a landscape not her yard. The years rolled back and time was taking place again. She saw herself young and mobile, free from despair. She was sitting by the bedside of someone, an old church member, holding their hand as they lay dying. Next to this she saw an image, her son as a young boy on the baseball field. He hit a home run and as he rounded the bases his eyes scanned the bleachers. Not finding her he hung his head as he went to the dugout. She shook her head but there was more. She was putting a ham in the oven. Her daughter asked if she could stay after school for play auditions. No she didn't have time to pick her up. She had to take food to a family and sit with someone dying. Her daughter with tears in her eyes left for school. Moving her head Alice tried to erase the images that were playing out before her. Images from her past. Again she saw herself with someone dying and her children older now teenagers, no longer looking for her in the sands, in the audience, no longer caring if she was there. Another image, this time the hospital. She's with a family in the emergency room and her son is in the nursery showing off his child. It fade to an image of her daughter opening her acceptance letter to college. She runs to a neighbors house to share the good news. "Where was i?" wondered Alice. She remembered now that she always got the news second hand. How angry it always made her feel when someone knew something about her children first. They never told her anything.The scene continued with the hospital parking lot. She saw her sister in law. She told her about the baby. Alice knew she should go back in but she needed to call people about so and so's death. Shifting in her chair slightly she saw a funeral where she sat behind the family. Someone was speaking to her, congratulating her on her grand daughters birth and her daughters college acceptance.

Sitting back in her chair, a few realizations and truths assaulted Alice. She now saw her life as her children had. A voice began to speak to her. Yes, she had lead a christian life. Yes she had been a servant to those in need. Had she done it though from a christian heart or for her ego? Her children were not ungrateful. They just learned by her example. They did not for her but for others. A vision came before her of her daughter teaching a child to read, her son cutting his elderly neighbors lawn. Tears flowed down Alice's face. Her children had learned from her, family needs were not important. She had chosen not to take part in their living so she could be with the dying. They learned from her the dying were more important and slowly drifted from her life. they now couldn't be guilted into doing for her because they no longer cared about her feelings toward them. She had given birth to them but missed out on their lives. She could blame no one but herself. "Surely Lord, I must have been there for something." She paused lost in thought."Their graduations. I was there for that."

"Yes" said a voice." But you left each one after their names were called to get back to your dying and ill."

"But I was there," said Alice.

"Were you there mentally or just physically? Did you take the time to see your children and be seen by them?"

"I made time for my family on holidays," Alice said.

"Yes, you cooked for them and shared your meal with others who were sick and needy. Very christian like but maybe your children would have liked our presence at their table first before you took to others, " the voice said.

Alice wept. She cried until her eyes dried out and tears would no longer flow. She cried for herself, her lost opportunities. She in wrapping herself in piety had blinded herself to love. Realizing what she had done earlier in her life was charitable and Christ like in deed, it was not in thought. The hands of the dying would have gone cold without her but someone in their family would have held them. She now saw what she thought a ministry may have usurped from someone the right to say goodbye to the dying. In all the good she thought she had done she now saw the bad. Her family feeling unimportant in her life had lived theirs without her. Her cloak of Christianity fit her so tightly she became blind to the needs of her children.She thought only of the families who would need comfort in their loss. It never entered her mind her family needed her too.

Alice sat back and let these revelations envelope her. She picked up pen and paper. She would write letters to her children that would tell how she felt about them and apologize for missing so much of their lives. She didn't regret what she had done for others only that she had not done for them. She would ask forgiveness and pray for it. She could do no more. As she wrote her sadness lifted. The bitterness she felt was replaced with peace. "Thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity to put things right and for letting me see so clearly what I lacked vision for earlier. I now know I needed to minister to my own home as i did to others. Please Lord allow me to pass this knowledge on to someone else who may be neglecting their family for the sake of others. Instead of explaining to my children why i wasn't with them, I expected them to know. A littles talking would have gone a long way but i uses I was too wrapped up in hearing praise and thanks for myself, i forgot i was acting for you. Please forgive my selfishness Lord and allow me to tend to my family the way i should have before."

Alice leaned back against her chair once more. She closed her eyes. A peace she had never felt before entered her soul. She let out a deep sigh and smiled slightly. The disease that had fought with her body for so long overcame her. Alice passed from this life unto the next alone. Her final thoughts, no matter who is with us or not, god never lets us walk alone.